Fishsuit

Sep 6

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 01:02:50 -0700

Sep 6

Sept 5: Sofia was very concerned that Fifi be safe when I drove...

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 22:02:38 -0700

Sept 5: Sofia was very concerned that Fifi be safe when I drove to my office.

Sep 4

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:59:35 -0700

Sep 4

Sofia and I taking self-portraits on the carousel with our...

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:25:08 -0700

Sofia and I taking self-portraits on the carousel with our “cameras”.

If they catch you estimating height with that thing,...

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:17:48 -0700

If they catch you estimating height with that thing, they’re going to throw you right out.

Sep 3: “Dad, I’m reading my book.”

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 21:59:00 -0700

Sep 3: “Dad, I’m reading my book.”

Their Ability To Steal Skittles Is Truly One Of God's Miracles

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 07:07:00 -0700

Me and Sofia: (coming home after 3+ hours at the zoo)
Me: So what was your favorite animal at the zoo?
Sofia: Um...the squirrels.

Sep 2: Sofia and Larry the Fu Dog rock out to celebrate the new...

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 00:58:23 -0700

Sep 2: Sofia and Larry the Fu Dog rock out to celebrate the new boots.

Sep 1: An emu at the Seattle zoo.

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 23:58:00 -0700

Sep 1: An emu at the Seattle zoo.

Complaints

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 08:51:17 -0700

One of the benefits of getting older is that I get to make crotchety complaints about ridiculous subjects. Here are a couple:

Complaint 1: Book Covers
I’ve decided that I am opposed to the use of stock photography on book covers, particularly novels. I’m reading The Gathering right now, and the photo is terrible. It’s lame and cliche, and you can practically see the Google search that the intern used to find it. This book deserves better.

So listen up, publishers: either commission original artwork, or stick with text-only covers. Really good typography is going to impress me far more than a lame picture.

Complaint 2: Loyalty Programs
Against my better judgement, I went to Barnes & Noble yesterday. (They have a good selection, and when your toddler is potty training there is a certain value to only needing to visit one store.) When I went to pay, I got a 5-minute harangue from the cashier about joining their stupid Barnes & Noble club. I said no politely, thinking that would be the end of it, but she just. kept. going. With every single item she scanned I had to be updated on how much I would have saved if I were a member and the mathematical relationship of those savings to the annual membership fee, the disdain in her voice rising as the dollars climbed ever higher. I wanted to shout in her stupid market-y face, but I just stood there staring at her. When my punishment was over, I just grabbed my bag and left. She didn’t even say thank you. It was more like a trip to the principal’s office than a retail transaction. Nice customer experience, B&N. Your loyalty program is obviously working, since I now hate your company.

So listen up, retailers: I do not want to have a relationship with you. We are not dating. I do not want your come-ons, your updates, your newsletter, or your “discounts”. I just want to buy stuff. If I like you and decide to let you get to first base with me, I will tell you. So just back off.

She Doesn't Care About Your Hang-Ups, Old Man

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 08:19:52 -0700

Sofia: (puts underwear on backwards)
Me: Sweetie, your underwear is on backwards.
Sofia: I know.
Me: Isn't that uncomfortable?
Sofia: Yeah!

Aug 31: The front of a wool baseball cap. (I swear, this...

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 23:48:09 -0700

Aug 31: The front of a wool baseball cap. (I swear, this baseball thing over the last few days is completely unintentional. It’s just stuff I happen to have around my studio.)

Aug 30: For some reason we thought it was a good idea to put...

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 22:48:00 -0700

Aug 30: For some reason we thought it was a good idea to put Sofia in control of the jelly. (It should surprise no one that she eventually ended up just eating it out of the jar.)

Fidgety Feet

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 09:29:00 -0700

After three years of being repeatedly kicked in the crotch by Sofia every time she sleeps in our bed, I had no choice but to write a song about it.

_____________________

(Allegretto)

Fidgety Feet!
They’re always kickin’ me!
Fidgety Feet!
Why do they have to be
Fidgety Feet?
Why can’t they just stay still?

Fidgety Feet!
Sofia’s always squirmin’
Fidgety Feet!
She’s like some kind of worm with
Fidgety Feet!
I don’t think worms have feet!

Whenever we snuggle up together
we lay there without a sound.
But pretty soon those darned Fidgety Feet
start to flail around!

If Fidgety Feet
keep kickin’ groin and ribs then
Fidgety Feet
may never have a siblin’.
Fidgety Feet!
Uh… just go ask your mom.

(Largo)

Fidgety Feet! (cymbal crash)
They’re always kickin’ me!
Fidgety Feet! (cymbal crash)
Why do they have to be
Fidgety Feet? (cymbal crash)
Why can’t they juuuuuuust staaaaaaay stiiiiiiiiill?

Aug 29: The seams of a 40-year-old baseball. (It’s a...

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 14:46:41 -0700

Aug 29: The seams of a 40-year-old baseball. (It’s a souvenir “autographed” Cubs baseball that my grandparents got me a long time ago. Based on the signatures, I think it’s either the 1967 or 1968 Cubs.)

Aug 28: More studio macro: the end of a baseball bat.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:42:40 -0700

Aug 28: More studio macro: the end of a baseball bat.

Aug 27: A stenciled sign pointing the way to the elevator.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 22:42:40 -0700

Aug 27: A stenciled sign pointing the way to the elevator.

Aug 26: Can someone please tell me how much a Large roll is...

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 21:42:38 -0700

Aug 26: Can someone please tell me how much a Large roll is worth?

Political Convention Speech Builder

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:28:00 -0700

If you are ever asked to speak at a political party convention, just use this handy template to write a speech that is guaranteed to bring the house down! Just fill in each italicized section with the appropriate word or phrase for your speech.

- - -

Good (afternoon/evening)! Was that music great or what? Let’s have another big hand for (Indigo Girls/Toby Keith)! [wait for applause]

My fellow (Democrats/Republicans), my name is (name of speaker). I’m hear to tell you about why my friend (name of candidate) will be the next President of the United States! [wait for applause]

My friends, I believe very deeply in (speaker’s pet issue that polls indicate is important in Ohio). I grew up in beautiful (Scranton/Chicken Neck/Crap Valley), and it taught me a lot about what it truly means to be an American. When I was a kid, my father worked 173 hours a week in a (steel mill/copper mine/asbestos factory), but he always found time to spend with me and my (5/8/17) siblings.

On weekends he’d take us (fishing/hunting/fish hunting), and as we stood there in the early morning sun looking out over the beautiful (snow-peaked mountains/fruited plains/raging gas fires), he’d say to me, “No matter what happens, don’t ever forget about (speaker’s pet issue).” That has stuck with me throughout my life, and it’s what keeps me out there fighting every day for (speaker’s pet issue) so that our children can grow up in a better America than the one my dad lived in! [wait for applause]

I am proud to say that I am personal best friends with (first name of candidate), in spite of the fact that (he didn’t pick me as VP/I hate his guts/I was just running against him three months ago and ran a TV ad insinuating that he fathered a child out of wedlock with a goat). And I can tell you that (name of candidate) really understands (speaker’s pet issue). If you care about (speaker’s pet issue) like I care about (speaker’s pet issue), then you know that we need (name of candidate) in the White House! Because I can assure you that when President (last name of candidate) takes office, he will (do something/prevent the other party from doing something/make noise about a pointless Constitutional amendment to make it required/unconstitutional to do something) about (speaker’s pet issue) so that each and every one of us can continue to pursue the American dream! [wait for applause]

In closing, if you want a President that will set America straight about (speaker’s pet issue) as well as pass (universal health care/tax cuts), then vote for my friend (name of candidate). I know that’s what I’ll be doing this November. Thank you, and God bless America! [wave arms above head, exit stage (left/right)]

“Buy this thing! There’s a chance it might live up...

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 10:28:46 -0700

“Buy this thing! There’s a chance it might live up to its name!”